Saturday, November 11, 2006

Bystanders: Don’t count on there being many heroes

"Bystanders resent the tortured because they make them feel guilty and ashamed for having done nothing to prevent the atrocity. The victims threaten their sense of security and their much-needed belief in predictability, justice, and rule of law. The victims, on their part, do not believe that it is possible to effectively communicate to "outsiders" what they have been through. The torture chambers are "another galaxy"." — K. Zetnik's testimony in the Eichmann trial in Jerusalem in 1961.

People prostitute themselves to a bully out of fear, which is understandable. But amazingly foolish. If they had any sense, they would do the opposite of what they do. Instead of abandoning the first one the he sets the evil eye on, they would rush to that person's side and tell this bully that "What you do to him you do to us."

But don't count on it. Few have the integrity to do the right thing. So, seek help among OUTSIDERS. They are your silver bullet. If necessary, have the courage to shine the light of day on what is going on so that the outside world looks in on what is going on.

Insiders, even if friends and family members, may treat you like you're radioactive. They go to great lengths to avoid witness of what happened. They say they had no idea what was going on and that the narcissist never said one bad word about you to them. This is the Mark of Cain, a sign that their knife is in your back. For, an innocent person bothers to know what happened to his brother.

They all have a vested interest in covering up, because they all have complicity in it to cover up. For example, the non-narcissistic parent covers her guilt for not protecting the child from abuse. The non-narcissistic neighbor or teacher covers their guilt for not sounding the alarm and reporting evidence of abuse. The co-worker covers his guilt for going along with crimes committed against his colleague.

And so, they all are in the narcissist's pocket, covering up his crimes for him with sealed lips. In other words, they participate in a virtual conspiracy.

Yes, even though they too are victimized by what this agent provocateur does! Even others destroyed will not bear witness. Why? Because they participated in the lynching of somebody lynched before them. The need to protect their self concept as that of a "good" person is so compelling that they would rather die than let the whole thing come to light — for the same reason that thieves don't report being robbed by their fellow thieves.

This is the deplorable state of affairs a narcissist (like any con artist) creates in a family, a neighborhood, a church, a workplace, an institution, or nation he has the power to corrupt. Everyone abandons you. People see you coming and get away.

Even those who bear no direct guilt distance themselves from you — and will alienate you to make you stay away — simply because they listened to the narcissist slander you. Like Adam and Eve, they shouldn't have believed it, so they run and hide when they see you coming. They do not want to get involved, no matter what the consequences of to you of their refusal to bear witness to/of what they know. They do not want to hear you defend yourself. They do not want to know that they have been duped. They do not want to know that they have done wrong. They want to unsee the damage done. They want it all (= you) to go away.

Kathleen Krajco