Wednesday, December 05, 2007

War and Peace with the Narcissist

And so, what do you do if you cannot forgive your abuser?

What SHOULD you do? Which party is the obstacle to reconciliation here? You or your abuser?

What should you do? Just accept it. It's a fact. Let it be. You cannot really change it: all you can do is delude yourself about it.

You can pretend to have "forgiven" your abuser all you want, but there is nonetheless, a state of war between you. It exists whether you admit it or not.

This is because your abuser owes you something he or she refuses to pay. The narcissist refuses to even admit what they DID yesterday. She may have punched you for 20 minutes straight, but today she denies that it happened, accusing you of "making things up" or of being the one who attacked.

Since she won't even admit what she did, she is also denying you acknowledgement that it was wrong. That she has wronged you.

So, what is there to "forgive," pray tell?

She is also denying you a promise and guarantees to stop it.

So, how can you "forgive" ongoing abuse in progress?

Fact: life with the narcissist continues as ever: whenever she feels like taking a crap on somebody, you're it. "Forgiving" that is just a codeword for permitting it.

You are not required to forgive that. You cannot forgive it. The narcissist's sin obligates the NARCISSIST to do something about it, not you. It obligates the narcissist to repent it duh.

Oh, yeah - that little prerequisite to forgiveness - repentance. The self-righteous harpies on you to "forgive" conveniently let it slip their slippery minds.

So, you can pretend there is peace between you and the narcissist, but there ain't any. There are just lulls between the surprise attacks.

Kathleen Krajco