Winning the Game

One thing I know for sure: If you need a narcissist, or if they can even just delude themselves into thinking you need them for anything, you aren't going to win.

I think this mainly applies to a primary source of narcissistic supply in the narcissist's life. That would be someone close to him or her, someone the narcissist regularly gets a step up on.

If they think they can deny you anything you want, look out. They will play Keep Away.

If they do anything for you, look out: they will make you pay by making you feel like two cents waiting for change. As though some negligible thing they do to accommodate you were a big deal. That's because in their Magical Thinking Machine it is a big deal for God Almighty to interrupt the management of the universe for the sake of accommodating the insignificant needs of a bug like you.

They will act as though it is really putting them out. This is a hard one. For, if God Almighty is so mighty, it should be easy for her to move heaven and earth for you. Therefore, why all the whining and catastrophizing?

So, to understand a narcissist, don't think rationally like that. Think backwards instead. If you think backwards, like a narcissist does, you see it quite the other way around. It seems that a bug like you is expecting way too much to ask anything - ANYTHING, however small - of God Almighty!

To "pretend" that, she must ACT like it's terrible that you ask this of her. It's her way of letting you know that you are crud (= she is God Almighty by comparisson), so that you deserve nothing from her.

As though you are the one with the "problems," narcissists will trump up some ridiculous little thing (like not getting to feed Kitty at precisely 6 PM) that accommodating you interferes with as though it had earth-shaking ramifications in their life

Remember, you are dealing with a three-year-old in an adult's body, and this is how a three-year-old thinks. Their every mere whim, their every mere breath of a desire, is of cosmic importance to a three-year-old, right? Much more imporant than even a matter of life or death concerning a mere bug like you.

And, at the last moment - count on it - they will throw a temper tantrum on schedule as the pretext to change their mind and refuse to keep their promise to do this for you. That's how they stick it to you to feel grand about themselves.

So, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER need a narcissist for anything. Did I mention to NEVER, NEVER, NEVER need a narcissist for anything?

But that isn't enough. For, narcissists delude themselves into thinking that you need them even when you don't.

This doesn't mean that you can never get them to do what they should, but it does make it hard sometimes and it does require some thought on how to go about it.

First, let them know you have other ways of getting it done and that you want them to do this thing just because it's easier. Message: if they don't come through, it's no big deal.

Next, when they don't come through, act like you don't notice or care. Never, never, never ask them where they are or when they plan on getting the job done, or whatever. They are sitting there waiting for you to do that. Don't do it. At the 11th hour, they will come through.

You see, narcissists pay attention for different reasons than normal people do. We pay attention to others (and their needs) as their due. When a narcissist pays attention, he or she is just BUYING something.

And narcissists are always out to get the most bang for their buck.

Kathleen Krajco